2 November 2024: Suicidal Ideations BEGONE!!!

I spent all of yesterday wanting to not exist anymore. I'm not someone who takes walks, but I took a two hour walk trying to ground myself.

I thought about indulging in something I enjoy. Talking to my friends, hanging out with my boyfriend, doing a hobby, etc. But it all just feels like a way to distract myself from this giant knawing feeling of hopelessness. I'm just trying to remind myself that I have the power to change my life; I just need to get up and do it. But geez, I'm lazy.

I feel so overwhelmed and lost, and so I thought I'd attempt to create a blog to exercise the second brain method. Maybe if I organize my life on here, it'll be easier to track my thoughts and hold myself accountable.

Lately, I’ve found my daily life more and more impacted by my lack of structure and discipline.

My entire life, I’ve lacked discipline. I’ve always had so many hobbies but could never follow through on them. I’ve “enjoyed” drawing, playing guitar, crocheting, sewing clothes, and writing stories for so many years now, yet I have nothing to show for a single hobby. I don’t have a single finished art piece, nor can I play a single song on the guitar, nor do I have a single finished crochet piece, or sewed piece, or piece of writing. I have nothing. I’ve always lacked consistency, and with each of these hobbies, I’ll be consistent for maybe two days, and if I’m lucky, up to five, before I leave them alone again for months. It’s really weird.

I’ve been obsessed with losing weight for six years now. Every month, I make the goal to lose twenty pounds. Even so, I have never been consistent with a diet or workout for more than three days. How is that possible? It feels so weird to think about, but even if I were to attempt it today, it would probably end up the same.

These days, all I ever think about is studying and grades. I’m constantly stressed out and planning out my studying, but I never actually execute a single study session. It’s so hard for me to just sit down and study, even if the content isn’t difficult, and even if I know that I can do it if I just sit down and focus. But for some reason, I dread it all so much, and I cram for every exam. And even when I cram, I can’t sit down and focus.

Along with my lack of consistency, I’m also so incredibly disorganized. I’m so insanely messy, and I constantly have clothes all over my floor. I’m always always always losing things, no matter how important they are to me, just because of how unorganized I am. Coming into college, I’ve learned that most people have messy rooms, so I feel more normal about this, but having this messy environment on top of my already disorganized mindset makes it something I really want to improve.

And speaking of a disorganized mindset, I find it so incredibly hard to just think sometimes. Isn’t that so stupid. I have to write all of this down in a document just to organize my thoughts, and actually produce coherent thoughts. I think because I’m always so dissociated, I’ve become a lot stupider. One of my goals is to be more attentive, and be more in tune with my environment and myself.

I lack so much structure and discipline and I’m constantly absent-minded. I have to try so hard just to focus on things, and even then it’s so hard for me to do so. I hate that I can never stay consistent with things because of this lack of focus—I don’t know if I just get bored, or frustrated, but I just cannot stay consistent. I can’t get over the hump.

I’ve also been struggling to do basic tasks lately.

• Folding my clothes
• brushing my teeth
• making my bed (never did this to be honest)

• I’ve never been consistent with anything for over three days. I would be so happy if I could even be consistent with something for a week.
• Even though I have such big goals that I’m passionate about and obsess about, I nearly always fail to execute the plans to get there.
• I’m extremely absent-minded, which I feel is the source of many of my problems, including:
• Constantly forgetting things to the point where it’s disrupting my daily life and the lives of those around me
• Feeling like my ability to think is getting worse.
• It’s hard for me to even form coherent sentences sometimes, and so I struggle to talk to people during conversations too.
• I used to be able to have such extravagant ideas about things, but I don’t feel like I’m able to form anything beyond basic thoughts anymore.

I am going to start small with building consistency. You can find my attempt to do so in my daily diary.